pregnancy envy

Here Fertility Monster - how about something warm for your tummy?

2009-11-10T21:16:00.001-08:00

Yum yum!

Still Envious. The Sequel.

2009-10-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

We're not taking it anymore!

2008-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Wow. I didn't mean for almost a whole month to pass before posting. I'm trying to stay good on my New Year's Resolution, but quite honestly I didn't know how to start a post after reading about the pain and heartbreak out there in the blogosphere.

It just seemed wrong to throw in one of my drawings that tries to make light of the whole infertility thing, ya know? Not when there is so so so much suffering.

But it can be so cathartic to draw our Infertility Monsters meeting their demise. It definitely has helped me cope with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with Infertility. Somehow it made me feel better to tie up my IF monster. And to keep him locked up. Other times it just felt good to scream at him. And who wouldn't want to give their IF Monster a wedgie if given the opportunity? What can I say...I'm a juvenile.

My heart mourns for you and I'm always here to send you hugs through the computer. But if you ever need someone to show your Infertility Monster the business end of a shovel, well, you know where to find me.

A very bad day

2008-02-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Angie asked for prayers for her sister-in-law.

My heart is breaking.

Life is so unfair.

We're...

2008-01-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

holding our breath over here, too.

Congratulations!

2008-01-17T20:58:00.001-08:00

Looks like some of you have bagged yourselves some BFPs!!! Congratulations, Christina (who was just about to start the process for donor IVF but instead got pregnant- in her words- "FOR FREE. UNPLANNED.IN MY FREAKIN' BEDROOM." Wow. Just...Wow.), Cibele, Jen, and Ms. C!!! I am so happy and excited for you.

(So, that is a picture of positive HPTs caught in a net. Is that crass? No, seriously, you have to tell me if I'm being too crass. Infertility was already making me lose my filter. And then with pregnancy, whatever little bit of a filter I had left completely disappeared. I caught myself talking about pumping and breast milk the other day. At work. With my coworker. Who is male. And unmarried. During a meeting.)

Okay, after this I'll get back to beating up the IF Monster so that there will be more BFPs out there!

Just thought I'd explain...

2008-01-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

I don't normally go around licking my electronics. I just had my tongue sticking out and bent over to pick up something and...well...

Anyway...I know I owe you a post of where I've been all this time -- and I will soon-- but I just wanted to say Congratulations to Sara and Angie. Seriously, ladies, we're talking goosebumps when I read the great news on your blogs. Congratulations!!!

And now you'll be able to use your fertility monster the same way I've been using mine :

New Years Resolution: Be a Blogger that actually blogs!

2007-12-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

I accidentally licked my laptop today. It tasted dusty.

A new year...a new resolution to start blogging again! Here goes!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Don't write me off just yet...!

2007-05-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I'm here! I'm here! Work is STILL being a pain...but not for long because my work load is FINALLY starting to ease up. I've been keeping up with your blogs, even though I haven't had the chance to comment as much. I miss you guys and will be back blogging soon...I promise!

Time to break some ankles...

2007-04-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

For crying out loud, work has been absolutely unbearable! My coworkers and I can't even figure out why...it seems like we had the same work load last year around this time, but this year it seems like we're just being pummeled mercilessly by the amount of work piling up on our desks. We've worked 10 hours days and had to bring work home and it still feels like we're barely making a dent. We're trying to hire on, but even that has proven to be more work than we thought it would be.

So the above picture is of me trying to hold onto the weekend. Work is a lot stronger and the weekends seem so hard to hold onto. I swear, I think the weekend puts baby oil on its ankles to make it harder to get a good grip.

...which reminds me of some other battles...

Like our battles with the IF Monster:

Oh yeah, and can't forget this one:

I think I'm going to have to break Weekend's, Healthy-And-Worry-Free-Pregnancy's, and BFP's ankles so that they're much less mobile.

Oh and hey has anyone noticed that I lightened my hair? I went for highlights this time. It's okay. Nothing spectacular. I kind of wish I never bothered.

Man, this has got to be the lamest post ever written in the entire history of blogs. Sorry.

Happy Valentine's Day (wow - almost didn't post this one in time!)

2007-02-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

See how festive I am? Not everyone would bother dragging out a heart-shaped pool just because it's Valentine's Day. Nothing is too good for my monsters. They so like to swim.

I'll update more later, but everything's going good -- just busy with work. I've tried commenting on your blogs, but for some reason it's taking forever to load my posts...anyone else having that problem? I couldn't even comment on my own blog to "chat" with you!

Anyway, thanks for coming by and commenting!

Smarshy, I've got a little bit of a bump - not enough to restrict my monster shit-kicking activities though. But at least I know I can just call on decemberbaby to help me out in that department =)

decemberbaby and spark, you had me at "pjs".

Thoughts of a Mom, I HATE that stupid BFN monster! I'm sorry he exists.

Oneliner, I just read your last blog post. Well said. I love your writing.

Reproductive Jeans and Anna: hi! I've got some catching up to do...I'll be reading your archives.

Mo's Girl, I found this list of acronym's on Angie's blog. Hope it helps!

wha???

2007-02-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

I was looking through my closet, trying to find something to wear, when I thought, "Gee, I don't remember owning (and dressing) a small dog." I guess it's time to buy some clothes in a bigger size...

i don't know why i didn't see this one sooner!

2007-01-28T12:43:00.000-08:00

I just realized that where ever there is an IF Monster, this a-hole isn't too far behind.

And don't worry, I'm not stopping just because he's screaming "uncle"...some of us have been screaming "uncle" for years and he didn't seem to care.

(I'm so sorry that anyone had to deal with this schmuck this cycle.)

hi!

2007-01-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

My apologies for not blogging sooner! I'm still here! Work has just gotten incredibly and insanely busy. I know I really shouldn't neglect you -- my friends in my computer -- because, well, the gas monster is still hanging around and no one else wants to be my friend right now.

Smarshy and The One Liner, you are such dolls. Thanks for mentioning me in your blogs!

(And, Smarshy, I have no idea why you were switched to "anonymous" in my comments! It happened after I switched to the new blogger, but I KNOW the IF Monster had something to do with it. He's also the bastard that goes into my fridge and makes it so that my French's mustard has the watery non-mustard stuff that comes out before the actual mustard comes out so that I end up ruining my sandwich. I hate that.)

things we learned at our ultrasound...

2007-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

The most important thing we learned was that we have a little bean with a wonderful beating heart, developing right on track, and measuring to the exact day. Whew.
The size of the yolk sac can actually indicate a higher chance of miscarriage. I didn't know that! The doctor said that a yolk sac that is on the big side could indicate a poor prognosis. Happily, the size of our yolk sac is fine. Another whew.
I don't feel any nausea. And, apparently, that's okay. Whew whew whew.
Taking tylenol is okay, but not ibuprofen. And sudafed is not allowed either.
I thought hormones were the reason for my headaches during week 7 and 8, but the doctor said it could also be due to my blood volume being increased by 50%!
I need to take it easy because my right ovary is still enlarged. Sometimes, when walking, I'll suddenly feel a twinge or feel like I've pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I was worried about it (of course), but the doctor said to just take it easy.
I thought I was showing already, but the doctor pointed out where my uterus actually is (right now it's still below my belly button). Well, I have been "showing" all over my abdomen -- not just the area under my belly button. I assumed I was "showing" the effects of egg + sperm. But it turns out I'm actually showing the effects of eggs + flour + butter. Sigh.

In "that's just gross, Gaelen, we need to start setting boundaries" news, another one of Smarshy's monsters showed up.

Guess which one.

Sorry.

worry is kicking my ass

2006-12-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

Seriously, it feels like Worry is using me as a trampoline.

Next ultrasound is next week. I hope that little heart is still beating strong. I don't know if it's infertility's effects (damn IF Monster), but I woke up this morning feeling sad and afraid. I'm just so scared right now...scared that I won't be allowed to have this after all.

How unfair infertility is...when fertile women are enjoying this time, infertile women are still afraid to believe.

Happy Holidays from "All" of Us Here at Pregnancy Envy!

2006-12-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

hold on, my dears! i'll be there soon!

2006-12-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

So I kept reading on other blogs how bloggers couldn't leave comments unless they switched to blogger beta. "I'm not going to have that problem, " I said, "As soon as I start trying , I'll be fine. I'll be able to comment as easy as 1-2-3. Just watch. Others might have a problem. Not me, man. Not me." I swear I could hear the IF Monster snicker when I said that, the bastard.

But like getting pregnant, just because I decided it was time to comment and just because I was determined that I wouldn't have a problem commenting, the forces that be had a different idea entirely.

Yes, sadly, I found that I can no longer give a shout out to any of you blogger beta people! And that bums me out.

So, I will be switching to the blogger-formerly-known-as-beta. I'm going to have to bring the IF Monster and that Worry gremlin with me, too, though. But I'll be there soon!

And, yes, I made the IF Monster's leash way too tight. Because I'm mean like that.

ultrasound

2006-12-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post sooner, but I have a lot of year-end CRAP to deal with at work. Ack.

We had our first ultrasound!!! One gestational sac and a beating heart. I know it's still early and I haven't won the war, but at least seeing the heartbeat is one battle won! I was feeling strong enough that I was actually able to beat my IF Monster at arm wrestling!

Still wearing worry as a backpack though.

And Smarshy's, Gil's, and Angie's IF Monsters are assholes. I'm so sorry. If I could really send your IF Monsters into oblivion via a VERY explosive canon, I would without a moment's hesitation. But I guess all I can do is give you hugs through the computer.

I really hate all our monsters.

sleepless nights

2006-12-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

During the day, I know I can take on Smarshy's monsters.

In the dead of night, though...different story...

Thanks everyone for your kind words after my last post! Still haven't had my U/S so I don't know what to make of my [lack of] symptoms. But like I said, sometimes, I feel like I can take on ALL the monsters. On those days, I feel like screaming, "I DESERVE to be pregnant. DON'T get in my way, IF Monster, because I am hormonal and would like nothing better than to squeeze your furry little face like a zit."

Other times, I try to make like nothing has changed so as not to tip off the IF Monster that he may have failed his only mission in life. On those days, I tiptoe around -- quiet as a church mouse -- getting him cold beer, making sure his dinner is ready on time, trying not to make any waves. Geesh, I sound like an abused IF-er

I wonder if there is a battered-IFer defense. Because I can totally make it look like self-defense, man.

another jackass in the mix

2006-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

So I've been wearing Worry like a backpack lately.

Since my BFP, I've had sore boobs. Yesterday and today -- nuthin'. Not even a little sore.

My ultrasound is next week.

Please please please please please let everything be okay.

the IF monster got me out of jury duty

2006-12-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I was called for jury duty. The judge said that the trial would likely last 3 weeks and would be submitted to the jury around the 15th of December. Then he asked if anyone had any hardships. Since jury duty happened before this, I just assumed that I would again be dealing with this during the scheduled trial.

"Your Honor, would you consider it a hardship if I have to get my blood drawn everyday and an ultrasound on some of those days between 8:00 and 9:00 a.m. for about a week in a town about 20 miles away so that my doctors can monitor my hormone levels and monitor the effects the hormones are having on my organs and then have the doctors call me in the afternoon to let me know the dosage of my medication for that evening?"

"Yes, Ms. Pregnancy Envy, I would consider that a hardship. You are excused from jury duty. Thank you for your time. And that blue thing you have harnessed is shedding in my court room."

(And I didn't even have to mention going in for the IUI!)

I'm not saying that this is a good reason to have an IF Monster, but if you do have an IF monster, at least you know you can use your treatments to get out of jury duty.

True story.

Except for the part where the judge said the IF Monster was shedding. Every since we switched to that new conditioner, he barely sheds at all.

the ponytail is back

2006-12-02T18:16:00.000-08:00

I have my ultrasound in about a week and a half. They'll be able to tell me if there is a yolk sac, whether there is more than 1 gestational sac, and if it implanted in the right place. So many things to worry about.

So I distracted myself with a hair cut yesterday. And my hair looked FAB-U-LOUS, if I do say so myself. Such volume! So shiny! And my long layers were perfect! That lasted for about 10 minutes. And then it looked like it did before I got my hair cut. Sigh.

still haven't exhaled

2006-11-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

First beta: 900
Second beta: 2400!

But I'm still really afraid to believe this could actually be happening.

Until then, I'll just make sure the IF Monster's locked up good and tight. At least doing that helps me fight these feelings of helplessness. After years of being at the mercy of my wonky body, I don't think I'll ever feel in control of any of this. It's like I'm afraid of what will happen if the universe catches me imagining the possibility. When I find myself smiling about it, I scold myself for being so arrogant. Damn infertility.

gasp

2006-11-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

Oh my! Positive!

So now I wait two days for another blood test...Hope my hcg level has doubled by then...Sorry for the short post...We're still in shock... Can't exhale just yet...Hope there'll be good news to follow...

Oh my God....At least for today, I've kept the IF Monster at bay (making him watch Flavor of Love is just to torture him).

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Since I don't have children that I can dress up in embarassing holiday outfits, I decided to dress up the IF Monster.

Happy Thanksgiving from Pregancy Envy! Hope your Infertility Monster disappears with your Thanksgiving turkey!

freak

2006-11-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

I had my IUI over the weekend so now I'm in the hopeful phase of my cycle. I'm really happy that this cycle was not cancelled like it was last time.

At my IUI, the doctor told me that sperm count lower than 2 million wasn't very good. He said that they always hope for a sperm count over 10 million because that is high enough to work with.

2 million already sounded high enough to me. 10 million...well, that just sounds like you're being a show off.

My husband's count for my IUI? 40 million. Yes, you read that right. 40 million. 40,000,000. That's freaking ridiculous. Emphasis on "freak."

After my IUI, my husband asked me what the sperm count was and I just mumbled: "high enough." I was trying to avoid that big-head-syndrome. Our ceilings just aren't high enough.

(Okay, okay, I did tell him the count. And, yes, our ceilings are not high enough.)

bon a petit

2006-11-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

Tonight I tried to make Hungarian goulash. It. Was. Awful.

No, really, it was pretty bad.

I am a crappy cook.

We made the IF monster eat it. And we didn't let him have any of the dinner that we had delivered.

We feel no remorse.

my aplogies

2006-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

There are so many well written and poignant blogs about the suffering we are all going through. I read them, I am touched and comforted, and I comment so that everyone knows that I am thinking of them.

And then they come here and see me giving a wedgie to my IF monster.

For that I am sorry.

dealing with insurance crap

2006-11-04T11:30:00.000-08:00

I just got back from picking up my prescription for this cycle's follistim, but something got totally screwed up because the pharmacy said that my prescription wasn't covered. After my pharmacist and I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my prescription drug coverage company, I shelled out the $900 for that tiny vial with the hopes that I can get this sorted out on Monday with my benefits department and get reimbursed. Not a good way to spend a Saturday morning!

I'm really lucky that my insurance covers my prescription so I hope things haven't changed in my coverage. My heart goes out to anyone who has to pay for all this stuff out-of-pocket!

But, boy, did I give my IF monster a serious what-for on our ride home from the pharmacy!!! I did not hold back! He needed to feel bad for what he's putting my body, my mind, and my pocketbook through! Stupid IF monster. He felt a little bad, but don't feel sorry for him because even after all that lecturing, he's STILL a pain in the subcutaneous injection spot on my abdomen.

blushing ovaries

2006-11-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

The RE told me that my response to the follistim last cycle meant that I have good ovaries and a good egg supply. My ovaries must have a hard time accepting compliments because I could see them blushing on the ultrasound.

But hopefully, this cycle my ovaries won't show off too much so that we don't have to cancel the cycle.

kicking him when he's down

2006-11-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

I like the thought of taking my anger out on the IF monster. The Oneliner sweetly offered to hold him while I punched him, but I couldn't wait. So this is me kicking IF's butt. And notice how I'm still kicking him even when he's down! I know violence is not the answer but sometimes you have to stand up to a bully just so he'll leave you alone.

if only the monsters came out just on halloween

2006-10-31T13:39:00.000-08:00

This is me trying to get my life back from that Dreaded Infertility Monster.

Unfortunately, I'm losing.

CD1 was yesterday, so here we go with another round of blood tests, ultrasounds, injectables, IUIs, waiting, hoping, EPTs, [and hopefully not this time] disappointment...

And in the last week or so things have heated up here at work so that I will be working long hours almost every day in November. And no one here knows that I'm going through infertility treatments, so I'm going to have to come up with some pretty creative excuses to be away from the office. Good times.

Still grateful for some things though.

Ok, but now it's time for me to rant.

Damn you, Infertility... Life was crazy enough with work and jury duty (oh yeah i have to appear for jury duty in November, too...ain't that a kick in the pants?), but now I have to worry about squeezing in blood tests, ultrasounds, injectables, and IUIs. Oh, and with the holidays coming up, we can't plan any vacations because I need to remain tethered to my clinic, but yet you are making me use up all my vacation days just the same. What kind of sick bastard are you?!?!

Oh well, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope no one answers the door and finds anything as scary as the Infertility Monster. (But if my Infertility Monster has the balls to knock on my door tonight or any night, I'm breaking its ankles and making it go to jury duty in my place. That will have him screaming uncle).

Oh My God, I’m so happy! Benign!

2006-10-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

Just got the call from my doctor. First call was to my husband. Then I came here to share the news with you. Thanks for all the comments on my blog or through emails. Thank you so much…I can’t believe I’ve found such great friends right inside my computer!

It was loooong 4 days, especially the last 2.

On the day of my biopsy and the day after, I was fine emotionally. And then all of sudden, on Sunday night until this afternoon (when I got the call), I was a complete mess. I was in a daze, couldn’t concentrate on anything, crying all the time or had a migraine from fighting the tears.

And the reason: It hit me Sunday night that if they found a malignancy, I probably would never be able to carry my own child. That would be it. My choices and decisions regarding my fertility would be made for me. If I needed chemo, it would likely put me through menopause. Sure, there’s a chance I could come back to a pre-menopausal state, but that’s more an exception than the rule. On the other hand, if radiation would do the trick, I would still have to wait 2 years until trying to get pregnant while the doctors watch for recurrence. And if I’m having problems getting pregnant now, chances are after radiation and two years, pregnancy would be even less likely. Not to mention, it would be hard to have children if neither chemo or radiation worked because …well, you know…dead people generally can’t bear children.

As an infertile, it seems I am constantly being let down by my body. I already had my body telling me that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be easy, but still…I could always hold out hope that it was possible; that it was still in our hands; that eventually it would happen. I wasn’t prepared for something to take it completely out of our control and say, “you’re done.” So that was the source of my anger and grief.

Coworkers and friends were trying to comfort me and say, “There are so many advances.”… “there’s life after breast cancer.” … “you’ll get through this.” I appreciated their kind words. The thing is, I knew all that…I was more concerned about it being a death sentence to my fertility.

Okay, Body, we get it. We know you have the ability to create things: polyps, benign calcifications. Now do you mind maybe growing me a baby???

taking Susan's advice

2006-10-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

...NO MORE GOOGLING!!!

Thanks, Susan!

And thanks Carrie P. and Angie, for coming by my blog and making me feel better!

Biopsy this Friday-- wish me luck! Ack!

scared

2006-10-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I haven't been posting... work got kind of busy. But I really should have written earlier...I've got a lot on my mind and writing may have helped.

***Warning - this is not an upbeat Friday post!***

On the infertility front:

I've been waiting for Af to start. A couple of days ago I started spotting, so I thought AF was about to make her appearance. It was CD18 and my doctor said my period after meds would be unpredictable -- it could come early or late. I spotted again on CD19 -20. Today is CD 21, and still light spotting. The thing is...what if this is my AF and I don't know it? If it is, I'm screwed for this cycle because I was supposed to call my clinic on CD1 for a CD3 u/s to check for cysts and get the okay to start my meds.

On the universe-why-do-you-keep-fucking-with-me front:

So, my left breast has been itching/tingling. Itching can be a sign of inflammatory breast cancer (please google and read up on it). I don't have any of the other signs, like a rash, skin that is warm to the touch, a orange-peel appearance to the skin...and I'm not sure what "itching" as a sign means (does it mean itching on the skin since one of the other signs is a rash? Or is it like what I'm going through where it itches/tingles on the inside?) Anxiety level: 6

So I went for a mammogram, my very first. Anxiety level: 7.5

And then was called back for a 2nd mammogram. Anxiety level: 9

Then when I was there for a 2nd mammogram, they decided to do an U/S on my breast (why do I have to be an infertile where U/S is for everything BUT fetal monitoring???) Anxiety level: 11 (on a scale of 10, of course)

Result: the radiologist found calcifications in my left breast. Calcifications can be just natural deposits, or they could be evidence of a tumor. So, now I'm scheduled for a core biopsy. Anxiety level: 15.

The doctor said she thinks they are benign, but wants to do a biopsy next week "just in case". While she was talking, I just had a gut feeling that it was a lot more serious than she was letting on. And that was solidified when I googled everything under the sun regarding calcifications and core biopsies. Apparently, 20% of the calcifications turn out to be malignant. It is difficult to tell if a calcification is benign or malignant just from looking at x-ray films, especially if you're like me and it's your first mammogram and they can't compare any changes to a previous mammogram. And then there's the itching. Anxiety level: a bajillion.

Please please please please please please let those stupid calcifications be benign.

cancelled

2006-10-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

There’s a party going on in my right ovary but no party going on over here at Pregnancy Envy =(

CD11

9 follicles on the right. 2 follicles on the left. Of the 11, almost 7-8 of them are contenders (are of the proper maturity and size).

This means I respond well to Follistim which the doctor tells me I should be happy about. The bad news is that my estrogen level is too high which means that I am at a very high risk of ovary hyperstimulation (and that's a bad enough consequence, so they would cancel the cycle). Not to mention the risk of multiple pregnancies (3-4 eggs are okay to go ahead with the risk, but they think 7 is just crazy) if I did happen to get pregnant.

Result: we’re cancelling the cycle. Damn my overachieving ovaries! I am so bummed right now.

Here’s a couple of other things that suck.

I guess (please correct me if I’m wrong) that stopping the follistim and not administering the hcg shot means that everything just comes to a halt, i.e., no ovulation will occur and the follicles will just fade away. As such, doing “it” naturally would do nothing at all because I might not ovulate. The doctor says we should still try, but he doesn’t think I'll ovulate. Ovulation tests won’t work (again, please correct me if I’m wrong) because of all the hormones floating around in my blood.
As a result of all the follicles, there may be residual cysts on my ovaries which would mean that we would have to sit out the next cycle, too!

Oh, and my soup spilled all over my desk at lunch. I am having such a crappy day.

progress report

2006-09-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

CD5
Injection: Follistim
Dosage: 150 IU
Side effects: None really. My boobs were a little sore this morning, but that's it. I hope the follistim is working =/

Tomorrow I go in for a blood test.

I know this is incredibly boring.

Other news: I got a gift certificate for a facial earlier this year. About 3 weeks ago, I made an appointment to use the gift certificate and totally forgot about it until this morning when I opened up my calendar! My appointment is today after work. What a lovely surprise! I just hope it doesn't make me red and bumpy because I have a party to go to tomorrow night.

hello, hormones

2006-09-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I don't know why, but the shot that I gave myself last night was a little more painful than the first shot. I bled a little more, too. Odd.

CD4
Injection: Follistim
Dosage: 150 IU
Side effects: I felt a little anxious last night for no reason - I'm thinking it's hormones.

i did it!

2006-09-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

Last night, I gave myself my first subcutaneous shot ever. And it didn’t even hurt. (I still asked my husband not to hug me too tight so that my innards wouldn’t spill out the injection site though).

So, here we go:

CD3
Ultrasound: no cysts
Estrogen level: 50 (whatever that means)
Injection: Follistim
Dosage: 150 IU, once a day
Side effects: none yet
Note to ovaries: do your thing!

ultrasound blindness

2006-09-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

How my ultrasounds usually go.

so, it has come to this...

2006-09-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Sigh. It saddens me that as each cycle passes, I'm learning more and more about my cycle, my infertility, and my treatments - things that I wish I didn't have to know.

I now know more than I care to know about HSGs, clomid, IUIs, hysteroscopies, and polyps. The lame part is that having all this information still did nothing to get me pregnant.

And now I'm becoming an expert at injectables.

(By the way, I don't care if the syringe looks like a harmless little pen. It's still a freakin' needle. And mine looks really angry.)

random post

2006-09-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Our fur baby likes to bite my husband's heels while my husband is sleeping on his stomach. I thought it was funny, so I decided to blog about it.

and i thought the bar exam was frustrating

2006-09-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is me on the phone with incompetent receptionist after my "injection training".

Let me explain. On the day of our injection training, Husband and I rushed home after work to make it to our training at my clinic's other location, which is about 45 miles from our house. We arrived, after driving in very stressful rush-hour traffic, only to find that incompetent receptionist failed to actually put us on the clinic's appointment calendar. And since they weren't expecting us, my records had not been sent to this location. It was after hours and all the doctors had gone home. And I had no idea what pharmaceuticals I would be using. So, yes, we drove 45 miles in rush hour traffic to injection training for nothing.

The nice nurse there quickly figured out who had botched our appointment because she asked, by name, if incompetent receptionist (let's call her M) was the one who made the appointment for me. I wasn't sure because I didn't know M by name. But I guess I didn't have to know her name - it seemed like Nice Nurse knew for certain it was M. Apparently, other patients and the staff have had to deal with M's lameness.

Oh, but wait, there's more...

M had made another appointment for me at the same time that she had set Husband and I up for injection training, so I asked Nice Nurse to please check if that appointment was at least on the appointment calendar.

And, class, what do you think she found?

You got it -- nothing. Nice Nurse opened the calendar and found that I didn't have that appointment scheduled either. Sure, M had opened the calendar and saw an open time slot for my appointment but then DID NOTHING TO ACTUALLY PUT ME ON THE CALENDAR. And that was the appointment where the nurse would give me my instructions, the schedule, my prescription - basically everything I needed to know in order to start the injectables for this cycle. In other words, it was imperative that I had this appointment before my cycle starts...

... on Sunday.

So, yes, that appointment had been timed perfectly. You know, the appointment that I had made 2 weeks ago...The appointment slot that is now filled...Along with the rest of the calendar for this week.

So, that was me on the phone with the incompetent receptionist telling her to fix her mistake because I was not going to be pushed back a cycle because she couldn't do her job. I felt terrible afterwards because M is a nice person and mistakes do happen. But still.

I was not myself.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE LOVE LOVE my clinic. I still do. Except for M, everyone is competent. And everyone is sweet, caring, and compassionate. Nice Nurse at location #2 and Nice Nurse at location #1 fixed everything for me so that I can still start my next treatment next week as planned. I was so glad that they were there - I was such a mess.

Everyone knows how important timing is when doing these treatments. She could have botched something up that was much more TIME SENSITIVE and couldn't be fixed and then where would I be? Keep in mind, M, that that drawing above is me sans hormones -- just think of that when making any of my IUI or IVF appointments.

please allow me to introduce...

2006-09-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

pregnancy envy...now with illustrations!

2006-09-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

My husband doesn't really have that hairstyle, but everything else is a true representation, I swear. Except for the orange shoes. As far as I know, my husband does not own a pair of orange shoes, but I'm going out right now to buy him a pair. I think they make him look dashing.

finally- news to report

2006-09-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

Hello my blogging friends!

Sorry-- I have been a bad blogger...but life has been busy (work projects) and yet slow (still infertile!), so there was no time or reason to update.

Anyway, I had my surgery to remove my polyp. And I only had the hysteroscopy and not the lap like I wanted (I figured, I was going to be put out anyway, why not just do a complete tune-up, right?). Doc found a small polyp and nothing else, said my cervix and uterus looked fine and healthy, and that the polyp was benign. Good, right? Fabulous. EXCEPT, given what he found, he felt that the polyp was UNlikely the reason for my infertility. Great. So, my dreams of all of sudden being FERTILE after the surgery were dashed to itty bitty bits. (To be sure, it was still good to remove it because it could have grown into a problem, but I'm nothing if I'm not whining, right?).

My favorite part of my follow up appointment was when Doc showed me the pics of my uterus and polyp and said: "And that's your copy to keep." So, at least we have the photo for this year's Christmas card!

Right now we're on our 2ww because Doc said we could go ahead and try naturally this cycle - although there is nothing natural about me cornering my husband at his computer and saying, "let's do this thing!" He actually got up and ran away and I had to chase him around the house. I was able to catch him, but only after he ran into my booby trap (I dug a deep hole in our living room and covered it with an Ikea area rug).

So, next step: injection training, injections, and IUI.

Yay.

here i am!

2006-08-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been around...it's just that each time I wanted to start a post, I realized that nothing had changed this cycle. Like all other months before: half of the month I'm grieving, half of the month I'm hopeful. Then I started to think: What if my posts a year from now are the same as my posts today?

Writing used to make me feel better, but lately, it's been making me feel like crap. And the dates of each of my posts are just constant reminders that I might be at this for awhile.

I had originally wanted my posts to be about the lighter side of it all. Lately, it's been getting harder and harder to see that side of it. (And I swear, I used to be such an upbeat person!)

i'm still here

2006-08-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

Hi there! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I'm not even sure why I haven't been...these past couple weeks have just flown by, and yet there is nothing new and exciting to report. My only fertility news is that I am close to the end of this cycle and I will have surgery to remove the polyp early next cycle.

I was watching The Baby Story yesterday on TLC and they featured a young couple who were having their 3rd child. They were saying how she was in her last year in college when she got pregnant the first time and how, when they found out, they were so upset. Yes, you know where my next rant is going now, don't you?

But actually, I'm not even going to bother ranting because you either feel the same sadness, frustration, and anger I do when hearing stories like that, or you are blessed with not having to understand that sadness, frustration, and anger and my ranting will never really hit home. And it's not like it's their fault, this young-fertile-got-pregnant-by-accident couple, just like how it's not our fault that we can't conceive. But still...it just seems so...so...unjust, doesn't it?

In other news: my girlfriend just told me that she just found out that her boyfriend has proposed to somebody else and that he and that somebody else conceived and had a baby in the time that he was dating my friend (they were dating for almost 2 years). And here my friend, who will be 39 this year and was hoping he was the one and would be starting a family with him soon, had no clue that he was a dog. Can you believe that shit? If that doesn't make your day suck, I don't know what will.

good bye, bar exam! it was crappy knowing you!

2006-08-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

The bar exam has come and gone. I hope I passed, but with the pass rate being what it is, I won't be surprised if I didn't. Oh well, what's done is done -- nothing to do but wait for the results.

Anyway, my RE and I met to assess what we've done so far and whether it's working. So far, I have had 3 IUIs using clomid and apparently, the amount of follicles produced hasn't been any different than if I didn't use clomid at all. So, now he says it's time to move on to injections and IUI. But first, he suggested that we should deal with the polyp. Minor surgery, he says. But we have to wait until next cycle to do it since the surgery should be performed on CD 5-11 and I'm already on CD 9 today. So, nothing this cycle, surgery next cycle, then injections starting the cycle after that.

I didn't want to wait another 3 months, but looks like we'll have to. 3 months just seems like an eternity.

Oh, and I've told 2 different doctors (more than once) that I might have endometriosis. I never had a heavy flow, but in the past year and a half, my AF has been super super heavy. And I never used to cramp, and now I do. So, I asked my RE if the surgery to remove the polyp can also tell me if I have endometriosis. He said nope. And so I mentioned (for the 3rd time) that I think I might have endometriosis. He looked at my record and said that there were no indications that I might have it. I'm ok with going through the laposcropy to get a definitive answer, but apparently, "there are no indications" that I have endometriosis and so that's not an option. But does anyone know -- What are these "indications"? If you have endometriosis, how did you find out for sure? Was it something they could tell just by looking at your symptoms/record? Or did you have to go through the laproscopy?

on borrowed time right now, but have to vent

2006-07-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hi there. Hope you are doing better than I am.

I am still studying for the bar and this test is so difficult that it is just so depressing to have to deal with it.

And I took an ept this morning. Just one line. Just one infuriating line. So, here I am studying for a test that I could give a shit about while crying in disappointment about something I give a humongoid shit about. And I just have a feeling that, like pregnancy, the bar will say: "oh yeah, you think working hard for it will actually make it happen? Haven't you learned by now? You are a fool."

In the whole time that we have been trying, 5 of my friends have gotten pregnant. The most recent one is due this month.

I am so resentful right now. I resent that I have to take this exam. I resent that my chances of passing are 50%. I resent that we waited before trying to have children. I resent that I thought it was a better idea to get my law degree first. I resent that my body just doesn't want to cooperate. I resent that women are out there who don't know this pain because they got pregnant the very first time of trying. I resent that people are asking us when we're going to start trying.

Well, 5 more days until the exam. And to add insult to injury, my AF is also going to start within those 5 days. This totally sucks.

Sorry I'm such a downer.

coming up for air

2006-07-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

My brain is complete and utter jello- so much so that I really can't write a coherent post right now to save my life. That is definitely not good since 2/3 of the bar exam is WRITING essays. Oh well.

So, I had my positive ovulation test last Friday and my 3rd IUI on Saturday. I'm on CD24 right now (my cycle lasts 31 days) and I don't have any pregnancy symptoms yet. Would I have them already if the IUI worked?

I guess the good news is that I don't have any PMS symptoms either and for me, those symptoms can rear their ugly heads as early as CD24. But then again, because this bar exam is so damn stressful, it could mean that my cycle is way off.

The only good thing about this exam is that my days are consumed studying for it, so the two week wait until I can take an ept hasn't been as excruciating. Oh, hey, I guess that's another good thing about this exam...I can actually spell excruciating now.

Anyway, I'll hope I'll have some time to post before the bar exam (which is during the last week of July). If I can't, I'll see y'all after the bar ;)

my life sucks these days

2006-07-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

Won't be... posting much...until...the end of the month...Right now...must... study for the bar exam...At this point doesn't look like...I will pass...This blows.

(Quick update -- Had my sonohystogram ultrasound. Doctor said the polyp was tiny and not where they expect implantation to occur so we're not going to do anything about it right now. Took clomid again for 5 days and am just waiting for a positive ovulation test result so that we can go through another IUI. Fun stuff.)

back at day 1 again

2006-06-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

CD1. So, my pms symptoms really were pms symptoms, the spotting I had yesterday wasn't implantation bleeding, and I didn't get a false negative on the pregnancy test. When I felt my period coming on, I tried to cheer myself up by telling myself all those things, but, unfortunately, all my hopes were crushed to teeny tiny pieces this morning. Yes, here I am again. CD 1.

Well, the good news is that I didn't get that lame receptionist when I called my clinic today. So, I'm scheduled for the sonohystogram ultrasound. I hate that I couldn't just get pregnant without having to know what clomid, IUIs, HSGs*, and now sonohystogram ultrasounds are.

Argh.

____________________________________________________________

HSG = diagnostic test where they inject a high contrast die into your uterus and take X-rays to see if there are any blockages in your uterus and fallopian tubes. Not the most pleasant experience in the world.

just one line

2006-06-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, I bought an ept. I bought one that could detect hcg as early as 4 days before the start of your period. And since my period is due to start on Wednesday, I figured I could check today. So I did. Negative. I just stopped crying a few minutes ago.

So this means that I have to explain to the receptionist at the fertility office that I need to set up an appointment for one of those saline uterus tests. The doctor told me that if I didn't get pregnant this time that we would look more into the little spot in my uterus that could be a polyp. She told me that they would inject saline into my uterus and then she gave me the name of the test but I completely forgot it. But now since I might have to actually have one, I searched online for it and I think it's a sonohystogram ultrasound.

Anyway, the thing that stresses me out is how complicated my next call to the clinic will be when I have to say to the receptionist: "ok, so I had an IUI 2 weeks ago, took a pregnancy test and it's negative, and the doctor said that I need a saline uterus test that I think is called a sonohystogram ultrasound." Now, I love my RE's office, but if I get this one receptionist in particular whose "skylight leaks a little", if you know what I mean, then it's going to turn into a very complicated 20 minute phone call that will involve her asking 2 or 3 times, me repeating myself 2 or 3 times, her repeating wrongly what I said 2 or 3 times, and me correcting her 2 or 3 times. Seriously, the call will go like this - I can hear it already:

Me: so i had an IUI 2 weeks ago and

Receptionist: 2 weeks ago?

Me: yes. And I took a pregnancy test

Receptionist: so you had an IUI 3 weeks ago and took a pregnancy test?

Me: no. I had an IUI 2 weeks ago and

Receptionist: took a pregnancy test 3 weeks ago?

Me: no, i took the pregnancy test yesterday morning and it came out negative

Receptionist: the pregnancy test? or the IUI?

Me: the pregnancy test. Which means both came out negative I guess (nervous laugh)

Receptionist: wait -the IUI test came out negative?

[my mistake, i really shouldn't throw in anything about the IUI test being negative seeing as how her brain seems to be such a fragile thing]

Me: ok, the pregnancy test came out negative and i need to make an appointment for a saline uterus test which i think is called a sonohysterogram -but I'm not sure- because last time Dr So and So said that she thought she saw a polyp on my uterus.

[and the only reason I would be able to get this sentence out without her interrupting me is by talking a mile a minute and and talking over her if she tried to interject. I figured, she was going to get confused either way, so why fragment the conversation?]

And all of that will be for naught because the call will end with her having to call me back after she gets my record to the nurse or doctor to see what they have to say because she just doesn't have a clue- because you know I'm sure I'm THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD WHO HAS ASKED TO SCHEDULE A SONOHYSTOGRAM. And it will probably take a day before she calls me back. And hopefully she told the doctor the right thing because if I have to say in THAT phone call: "Ok, and, uh, about that sonohystogram - what did the doctor say about that?" Receptionist: "The what now?" (I had this problem before with her). And that will take ANOTHER day for her to get back to me. And then an appointment the following week (if I'm lucky). Then having to deal with scheduling and having that saline test done. I really don't want to miss a cycle because this one particular receptionist doesn't know how to answer questions and schedule appointments. There are other receptionists there who are really on the ball - four words into the call and they already know what you're trying to say. In fact, they practically finish your sentences for you. They ask the right questions. And they tell you everything you need to know about cycle days and scheduling, etc. God, I hope I get one of them instead of BadReceptionist. The problem is, I think she works there more often than the other ones, and if you're an infertile like me, then you know that timing is everything...I couldn't just try calling back until I got a good receptionist.

By the way, if anyone's reading out there, does anyone know if this is an office visit test or do I have to go to a radiologist like I had to for the HSG? And the timing? (like, which cycle day?)

I'm guessing they'll have to remove the polyp, right? So that means some kind of surgery.

I'm taking a bar exam at the end of July, so I'd have to have this surgery in August. And since I'm taking a lot of vacation time from work to study for the bar, I'm gonna feel like a real heel asking for time off for "medical reasons" in August. But no matter, work will just have to deal with it. Although, I wish I didn't have to wait until August. I certainly want a baby more than taking the bar exam. But what if I give up on taking the bar, focus on this, and still end up not getting pregnant? I'm this close, I'm just going to take the stupid stupid bar exam and deal with this polyp thing in the mean time and hope that that's it.

Come November, when bar results are released, if I'm still not pregnant and haven't passed the bar, then I'll really really really be depressed. Ok, back to crying about not being pregnant and about having to take a bar exam. If you're feeling down, just think to yourself: "at least I'm not studying for a bar exam with a polyp --instead of a baby -- in my uterus!"

the waiting game

2006-06-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

Monday will be 2 weeks since the IUI. And the day that I can take an ept. But I wonder if I should even bother since I've already been pmsing (and, no, my pms symptoms are not any of the ones that could be pregnancy symptoms, unfortunately). And since my cycle is like clockwork, I'd know on Wednesday whether or not I was late anyway. But can I wait until Wednesday?

Eh, who am I kidding? I'm not going to be able to wait until Wednesday. I'm barely going to be able to make it until Monday.

infertile and hoping.

2006-06-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

My story in a nutshell:

I seriously can't tell you how long we've been trying to get pregnant because Husband and I first tried the we'll-be-cavalier-and-it'll-just-happen approach. At some point, though, we realized: "Hey, this isn't working. Shouldn't I be pregnant by now?!" So that started an era of drug store ovulation kits (for me, not him), briefs to boxers (for him, not me), and no more hot tubbing (for him, for me). To no avail. Womb still empty.

Then there was the day that I found out that fertility specialists = reproductive endocrinologists (really - no one knows what a reproductive endocrinologist does until they need one. Ask any Fertile what a reproductive endocrinologist does and she won't have a clue). We found a not-so-conveniently located (sigh) reproductive endocrinologist group that we, fortunately, LOVE. After all the diagnostics, they found nothing wrong with me. As for Husband's department, not only was there nothing wrong with him but that he was in fact, "very very virile". (we were happy to hear it wasn't him, but I realized that day that it was me).

The clinic started me on clomid right away and we did our first IUI in May. Didn't take. I just had my second IUI on June 5 (last Monday). Unfortunately, I'm already getting some pms symptoms so I know this one didn't take either. Very frustrating. But the interesting thing is at this last CD12 ultrasound, they noticed a polyp in my uterus and the doctor said that this may be the reason I haven't gotten pregnant. She said that if I didn't get pregnant this time around that we should look into it. I'm hoping that the polyp is the reason and that we can finally get pregnant. (When you're infertile, it seems like you're always hoping.)

I've been an infertility blog reader for awhile now, and there seems to be a rash of you who have gotten pregnant recently! That's so great! I'm hoping it will be me soon so that i can write about pregnancy symptoms, too. Until then...I'll be here...infertile...and hoping.