here i am!

I've been around...it's just that each time I wanted to start a post, I realized that nothing had changed this cycle. Like all other months before: half of the month I'm grieving, half of the month I'm hopeful. Then I started to think: What if my posts a year from now are the same as my posts today?

Writing used to make me feel better, but lately, it's been making me feel like crap. And the dates of each of my posts are just constant reminders that I might be at this for awhile.

I had originally wanted my posts to be about the lighter side of it all. Lately, it's been getting harder and harder to see that side of it. (And I swear, I used to be such an upbeat person!)

i'm still here

Hi there! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I'm not even sure why I haven't been...these past couple weeks have just flown by, and yet there is nothing new and exciting to report. My only fertility news is that I am close to the end of this cycle and I will have surgery to remove the polyp early next cycle.

I was watching The Baby Story yesterday on TLC and they featured a young couple who were having their 3rd child. They were saying how she was in her last year in college when she got pregnant the first time and how, when they found out, they were so upset. Yes, you know where my next rant is going now, don't you?

But actually, I'm not even going to bother ranting because you either feel the same sadness, frustration, and anger I do when hearing stories like that, or you are blessed with not having to understand that sadness, frustration, and anger and my ranting will never really hit home. And it's not like it's their fault, this young-fertile-got-pregnant-by-accident couple, just like how it's not our fault that we can't conceive. But still...it just seems so...so...unjust, doesn't it?

In other news: my girlfriend just told me that she just found out that her boyfriend has proposed to somebody else and that he and that somebody else conceived and had a baby in the time that he was dating my friend (they were dating for almost 2 years). And here my friend, who will be 39 this year and was hoping he was the one and would be starting a family with him soon, had no clue that he was a dog. Can you believe that shit? If that doesn't make your day suck, I don't know what will.

good bye, bar exam! it was crappy knowing you!

The bar exam has come and gone. I hope I passed, but with the pass rate being what it is, I won't be surprised if I didn't. Oh well, what's done is done -- nothing to do but wait for the results.

Anyway, my RE and I met to assess what we've done so far and whether it's working. So far, I have had 3 IUIs using clomid and apparently, the amount of follicles produced hasn't been any different than if I didn't use clomid at all. So, now he says it's time to move on to injections and IUI. But first, he suggested that we should deal with the polyp. Minor surgery, he says. But we have to wait until next cycle to do it since the surgery should be performed on CD 5-11 and I'm already on CD 9 today. So, nothing this cycle, surgery next cycle, then injections starting the cycle after that.

I didn't want to wait another 3 months, but looks like we'll have to. 3 months just seems like an eternity.

Oh, and I've told 2 different doctors (more than once) that I might have endometriosis. I never had a heavy flow, but in the past year and a half, my AF has been super super heavy. And I never used to cramp, and now I do. So, I asked my RE if the surgery to remove the polyp can also tell me if I have endometriosis. He said nope. And so I mentioned (for the 3rd time) that I think I might have endometriosis. He looked at my record and said that there were no indications that I might have it. I'm ok with going through the laposcropy to get a definitive answer, but apparently, "there are no indications" that I have endometriosis and so that's not an option. But does anyone know -- What are these "indications"? If you have endometriosis, how did you find out for sure? Was it something they could tell just by looking at your symptoms/record? Or did you have to go through the laproscopy?