scared
Sorry, I haven't been posting... work got kind of busy. But I really should have written earlier...I've got a lot on my mind and writing may have helped.
***Warning - this is not an upbeat Friday post!***
On the infertility front:
I've been waiting for Af to start. A couple of days ago I started spotting, so I thought AF was about to make her appearance. It was CD18 and my doctor said my period after meds would be unpredictable -- it could come early or late. I spotted again on CD19 -20. Today is CD 21, and still light spotting. The thing is...what if this is my AF and I don't know it? If it is, I'm screwed for this cycle because I was supposed to call my clinic on CD1 for a CD3 u/s to check for cysts and get the okay to start my meds.
On the universe-why-do-you-keep-fucking-with-me front:
So, my left breast has been itching/tingling. Itching can be a sign of inflammatory breast cancer (please google and read up on it). I don't have any of the other signs, like a rash, skin that is warm to the touch, a orange-peel appearance to the skin...and I'm not sure what "itching" as a sign means (does it mean itching on the skin since one of the other signs is a rash? Or is it like what I'm going through where it itches/tingles on the inside?) Anxiety level: 6
So I went for a mammogram, my very first. Anxiety level: 7.5
And then was called back for a 2nd mammogram. Anxiety level: 9
Then when I was there for a 2nd mammogram, they decided to do an U/S on my breast (why do I have to be an infertile where U/S is for everything BUT fetal monitoring???) Anxiety level: 11 (on a scale of 10, of course)
Result: the radiologist found calcifications in my left breast. Calcifications can be just natural deposits, or they could be evidence of a tumor. So, now I'm scheduled for a core biopsy. Anxiety level: 15.
The doctor said she thinks they are benign, but wants to do a biopsy next week "just in case". While she was talking, I just had a gut feeling that it was a lot more serious than she was letting on. And that was solidified when I googled everything under the sun regarding calcifications and core biopsies. Apparently, 20% of the calcifications turn out to be malignant. It is difficult to tell if a calcification is benign or malignant just from looking at x-ray films, especially if you're like me and it's your first mammogram and they can't compare any changes to a previous mammogram. And then there's the itching. Anxiety level: a bajillion.
Please please please please please please let those stupid calcifications be benign.
***Warning - this is not an upbeat Friday post!***
On the infertility front:
I've been waiting for Af to start. A couple of days ago I started spotting, so I thought AF was about to make her appearance. It was CD18 and my doctor said my period after meds would be unpredictable -- it could come early or late. I spotted again on CD19 -20. Today is CD 21, and still light spotting. The thing is...what if this is my AF and I don't know it? If it is, I'm screwed for this cycle because I was supposed to call my clinic on CD1 for a CD3 u/s to check for cysts and get the okay to start my meds.
On the universe-why-do-you-keep-fucking-with-me front:
So, my left breast has been itching/tingling. Itching can be a sign of inflammatory breast cancer (please google and read up on it). I don't have any of the other signs, like a rash, skin that is warm to the touch, a orange-peel appearance to the skin...and I'm not sure what "itching" as a sign means (does it mean itching on the skin since one of the other signs is a rash? Or is it like what I'm going through where it itches/tingles on the inside?) Anxiety level: 6
So I went for a mammogram, my very first. Anxiety level: 7.5
And then was called back for a 2nd mammogram. Anxiety level: 9
Then when I was there for a 2nd mammogram, they decided to do an U/S on my breast (why do I have to be an infertile where U/S is for everything BUT fetal monitoring???) Anxiety level: 11 (on a scale of 10, of course)
Result: the radiologist found calcifications in my left breast. Calcifications can be just natural deposits, or they could be evidence of a tumor. So, now I'm scheduled for a core biopsy. Anxiety level: 15.
The doctor said she thinks they are benign, but wants to do a biopsy next week "just in case". While she was talking, I just had a gut feeling that it was a lot more serious than she was letting on. And that was solidified when I googled everything under the sun regarding calcifications and core biopsies. Apparently, 20% of the calcifications turn out to be malignant. It is difficult to tell if a calcification is benign or malignant just from looking at x-ray films, especially if you're like me and it's your first mammogram and they can't compare any changes to a previous mammogram. And then there's the itching. Anxiety level: a bajillion.
Please please please please please please let those stupid calcifications be benign.
posted by gaelen at 11:12 AM
4 Comments:
Hi. I'm new here. Just wanted to say I'm holding you in my thoughts.
I'm thinking of you and hoping all is well!
oh miss. PLEASE don't freak. And stop googling this instant! (said with caring and compassion)
I have been down this road too. I had 3 tumors that were tracked for a year+ and they were never sure what they were. I had two radiologists, each with VERY different manners. One was completely alarmist and sent me into the outer stratosphere of worry and anxiety. The other was much more calming. In the end, I had surgery. They were benign tumors which are very, very common.
And now, I also have benign calcifications. They had to do about 12 mammograms to be able to determine this. I'm not exaggerating.
I know it is SO hard and how paralyzing fear can get the best of you...but if you can get yourself into a neutral mind set, it will help. Google will definitely not help.
If I can lend an ear in anyway please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Thinking of you my dear.
Jesus Christ. I'm holding my breath for you, but I'm laden with optimism too.
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