Oh My God, I’m so happy! Benign!

Just got the call from my doctor. First call was to my husband. Then I came here to share the news with you. Thanks for all the comments on my blog or through emails. Thank you so much…I can’t believe I’ve found such great friends right inside my computer!

It was loooong 4 days, especially the last 2.

On the day of my biopsy and the day after, I was fine emotionally. And then all of sudden, on Sunday night until this afternoon (when I got the call), I was a complete mess. I was in a daze, couldn’t concentrate on anything, crying all the time or had a migraine from fighting the tears.

And the reason: It hit me Sunday night that if they found a malignancy, I probably would never be able to carry my own child. That would be it. My choices and decisions regarding my fertility would be made for me. If I needed chemo, it would likely put me through menopause. Sure, there’s a chance I could come back to a pre-menopausal state, but that’s more an exception than the rule. On the other hand, if radiation would do the trick, I would still have to wait 2 years until trying to get pregnant while the doctors watch for recurrence. And if I’m having problems getting pregnant now, chances are after radiation and two years, pregnancy would be even less likely. Not to mention, it would be hard to have children if neither chemo or radiation worked because …well, you know…dead people generally can’t bear children.

As an infertile, it seems I am constantly being let down by my body. I already had my body telling me that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be easy, but still…I could always hold out hope that it was possible; that it was still in our hands; that eventually it would happen. I wasn’t prepared for something to take it completely out of our control and say, “you’re done.” So that was the source of my anger and grief.

Coworkers and friends were trying to comfort me and say, “There are so many advances.”… “there’s life after breast cancer.” … “you’ll get through this.” I appreciated their kind words. The thing is, I knew all that…I was more concerned about it being a death sentence to my fertility.

Okay, Body, we get it. We know you have the ability to create things: polyps, benign calcifications. Now do you mind maybe growing me a baby???