if only the monsters came out just on halloween

This is me trying to get my life back from that Dreaded Infertility Monster.

Unfortunately, I'm losing.

CD1 was yesterday, so here we go with another round of blood tests, ultrasounds, injectables, IUIs, waiting, hoping, EPTs, [and hopefully not this time] disappointment...

And in the last week or so things have heated up here at work so that I will be working long hours almost every day in November. And no one here knows that I'm going through infertility treatments, so I'm going to have to come up with some pretty creative excuses to be away from the office. Good times.

Still grateful for some things though.

Ok, but now it's time for me to rant.

Damn you, Infertility... Life was crazy enough with work and jury duty (oh yeah i have to appear for jury duty in November, too...ain't that a kick in the pants?), but now I have to worry about squeezing in blood tests, ultrasounds, injectables, and IUIs. Oh, and with the holidays coming up, we can't plan any vacations because I need to remain tethered to my clinic, but yet you are making me use up all my vacation days just the same. What kind of sick bastard are you?!?!

Oh well, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope no one answers the door and finds anything as scary as the Infertility Monster. (But if my Infertility Monster has the balls to knock on my door tonight or any night, I'm breaking its ankles and making it go to jury duty in my place. That will have him screaming uncle).

Oh My God, I’m so happy! Benign!

Just got the call from my doctor. First call was to my husband. Then I came here to share the news with you. Thanks for all the comments on my blog or through emails. Thank you so much…I can’t believe I’ve found such great friends right inside my computer!

It was loooong 4 days, especially the last 2.

On the day of my biopsy and the day after, I was fine emotionally. And then all of sudden, on Sunday night until this afternoon (when I got the call), I was a complete mess. I was in a daze, couldn’t concentrate on anything, crying all the time or had a migraine from fighting the tears.

And the reason: It hit me Sunday night that if they found a malignancy, I probably would never be able to carry my own child. That would be it. My choices and decisions regarding my fertility would be made for me. If I needed chemo, it would likely put me through menopause. Sure, there’s a chance I could come back to a pre-menopausal state, but that’s more an exception than the rule. On the other hand, if radiation would do the trick, I would still have to wait 2 years until trying to get pregnant while the doctors watch for recurrence. And if I’m having problems getting pregnant now, chances are after radiation and two years, pregnancy would be even less likely. Not to mention, it would be hard to have children if neither chemo or radiation worked because …well, you know…dead people generally can’t bear children.

As an infertile, it seems I am constantly being let down by my body. I already had my body telling me that getting pregnant wasn’t going to be easy, but still…I could always hold out hope that it was possible; that it was still in our hands; that eventually it would happen. I wasn’t prepared for something to take it completely out of our control and say, “you’re done.” So that was the source of my anger and grief.

Coworkers and friends were trying to comfort me and say, “There are so many advances.”… “there’s life after breast cancer.” … “you’ll get through this.” I appreciated their kind words. The thing is, I knew all that…I was more concerned about it being a death sentence to my fertility.

Okay, Body, we get it. We know you have the ability to create things: polyps, benign calcifications. Now do you mind maybe growing me a baby???

taking Susan's advice

...NO MORE GOOGLING!!!

Thanks, Susan!

And thanks Carrie P. and Angie, for coming by my blog and making me feel better!

Biopsy this Friday-- wish me luck! Ack!

scared

Sorry, I haven't been posting... work got kind of busy. But I really should have written earlier...I've got a lot on my mind and writing may have helped.

***Warning - this is not an upbeat Friday post!***

On the infertility front:

I've been waiting for Af to start. A couple of days ago I started spotting, so I thought AF was about to make her appearance. It was CD18 and my doctor said my period after meds would be unpredictable -- it could come early or late. I spotted again on CD19 -20. Today is CD 21, and still light spotting. The thing is...what if this is my AF and I don't know it? If it is, I'm screwed for this cycle because I was supposed to call my clinic on CD1 for a CD3 u/s to check for cysts and get the okay to start my meds.

On the universe-why-do-you-keep-fucking-with-me front:

So, my left breast has been itching/tingling. Itching can be a sign of inflammatory breast cancer (please google and read up on it). I don't have any of the other signs, like a rash, skin that is warm to the touch, a orange-peel appearance to the skin...and I'm not sure what "itching" as a sign means (does it mean itching on the skin since one of the other signs is a rash? Or is it like what I'm going through where it itches/tingles on the inside?) Anxiety level: 6

So I went for a mammogram, my very first. Anxiety level: 7.5

And then was called back for a 2nd mammogram. Anxiety level: 9

Then when I was there for a 2nd mammogram, they decided to do an U/S on my breast (why do I have to be an infertile where U/S is for everything BUT fetal monitoring???) Anxiety level: 11 (on a scale of 10, of course)

Result: the radiologist found calcifications in my left breast. Calcifications can be just natural deposits, or they could be evidence of a tumor. So, now I'm scheduled for a core biopsy. Anxiety level: 15.

The doctor said she thinks they are benign, but wants to do a biopsy next week "just in case". While she was talking, I just had a gut feeling that it was a lot more serious than she was letting on. And that was solidified when I googled everything under the sun regarding calcifications and core biopsies. Apparently, 20% of the calcifications turn out to be malignant. It is difficult to tell if a calcification is benign or malignant just from looking at x-ray films, especially if you're like me and it's your first mammogram and they can't compare any changes to a previous mammogram. And then there's the itching. Anxiety level: a bajillion.

Please please please please please please let those stupid calcifications be benign.

cancelled

There’s a party going on in my right ovary but no party going on over here at Pregnancy Envy =(

CD11

9 follicles on the right. 2 follicles on the left. Of the 11, almost 7-8 of them are contenders (are of the proper maturity and size).

This means I respond well to Follistim which the doctor tells me I should be happy about. The bad news is that my estrogen level is too high which means that I am at a very high risk of ovary hyperstimulation (and that's a bad enough consequence, so they would cancel the cycle). Not to mention the risk of multiple pregnancies (3-4 eggs are okay to go ahead with the risk, but they think 7 is just crazy) if I did happen to get pregnant.

Result: we’re cancelling the cycle. Damn my overachieving ovaries! I am so bummed right now.

Here’s a couple of other things that suck.

• I guess (please correct me if I’m wrong) that stopping the follistim and not administering the hcg shot means that everything just comes to a halt, i.e., no ovulation will occur and the follicles will just fade away. As such, doing “it” naturally would do nothing at all because I might not ovulate. The doctor says we should still try, but he doesn’t think I'll ovulate. Ovulation tests won’t work (again, please correct me if I’m wrong) because of all the hormones floating around in my blood.
• As a result of all the follicles, there may be residual cysts on my ovaries which would mean that we would have to sit out the next cycle, too!

Oh, and my soup spilled all over my desk at lunch. I am having such a crappy day.