still haven't exhaled

First beta: 900
Second beta: 2400!

But I'm still really afraid to believe this could actually be happening.

Until then, I'll just make sure the IF Monster's locked up good and tight. At least doing that helps me fight these feelings of helplessness. After years of being at the mercy of my wonky body, I don't think I'll ever feel in control of any of this. It's like I'm afraid of what will happen if the universe catches me imagining the possibility. When I find myself smiling about it, I scold myself for being so arrogant. Damn infertility.

gasp

Oh my! Positive!

So now I wait two days for another blood test...Hope my hcg level has doubled by then...Sorry for the short post...We're still in shock... Can't exhale just yet...Hope there'll be good news to follow...

Oh my God....At least for today, I've kept the IF Monster at bay (making him watch Flavor of Love is just to torture him).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since I don't have children that I can dress up in embarassing holiday outfits, I decided to dress up the IF Monster.

Happy Thanksgiving from Pregancy Envy! Hope your Infertility Monster disappears with your Thanksgiving turkey!

freak

I had my IUI over the weekend so now I'm in the hopeful phase of my cycle. I'm really happy that this cycle was not cancelled like it was last time.

At my IUI, the doctor told me that sperm count lower than 2 million wasn't very good. He said that they always hope for a sperm count over 10 million because that is high enough to work with.

2 million already sounded high enough to me. 10 million...well, that just sounds like you're being a show off.

My husband's count for my IUI? 40 million. Yes, you read that right. 40 million. 40,000,000. That's freaking ridiculous. Emphasis on "freak."

After my IUI, my husband asked me what the sperm count was and I just mumbled: "high enough." I was trying to avoid that big-head-syndrome. Our ceilings just aren't high enough.

(Okay, okay, I did tell him the count. And, yes, our ceilings are not high enough.)

bon a petit

Tonight I tried to make Hungarian goulash. It. Was. Awful.

No, really, it was pretty bad.

I am a crappy cook.

We made the IF monster eat it. And we didn't let him have any of the dinner that we had delivered.

We feel no remorse.

my aplogies

There are so many well written and poignant blogs about the suffering we are all going through. I read them, I am touched and comforted, and I comment so that everyone knows that I am thinking of them.

And then they come here and see me giving a wedgie to my IF monster.

For that I am sorry.

dealing with insurance crap

I just got back from picking up my prescription for this cycle's follistim, but something got totally screwed up because the pharmacy said that my prescription wasn't covered. After my pharmacist and I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my prescription drug coverage company, I shelled out the $900 for that tiny vial with the hopes that I can get this sorted out on Monday with my benefits department and get reimbursed. Not a good way to spend a Saturday morning!

I'm really lucky that my insurance covers my prescription so I hope things haven't changed in my coverage. My heart goes out to anyone who has to pay for all this stuff out-of-pocket!

But, boy, did I give my IF monster a serious what-for on our ride home from the pharmacy!!! I did not hold back! He needed to feel bad for what he's putting my body, my mind, and my pocketbook through! Stupid IF monster. He felt a little bad, but don't feel sorry for him because even after all that lecturing, he's STILL a pain in the subcutaneous injection spot on my abdomen.

blushing ovaries

The RE told me that my response to the follistim last cycle meant that I have good ovaries and a good egg supply. My ovaries must have a hard time accepting compliments because I could see them blushing on the ultrasound.

But hopefully, this cycle my ovaries won't show off too much so that we don't have to cancel the cycle.

kicking him when he's down

I like the thought of taking my anger out on the IF monster. The Oneliner sweetly offered to hold him while I punched him, but I couldn't wait. So this is me kicking IF's butt. And notice how I'm still kicking him even when he's down! I know violence is not the answer but sometimes you have to stand up to a bully just so he'll leave you alone.