worry is kicking my ass

Seriously, it feels like Worry is using me as a trampoline.

Next ultrasound is next week. I hope that little heart is still beating strong. I don't know if it's infertility's effects (damn IF Monster), but I woke up this morning feeling sad and afraid. I'm just so scared right now...scared that I won't be allowed to have this after all.

How unfair infertility is...when fertile women are enjoying this time, infertile women are still afraid to believe.

Happy Holidays from "All" of Us Here at Pregnancy Envy!

hold on, my dears! i'll be there soon!

So I kept reading on other blogs how bloggers couldn't leave comments unless they switched to blogger beta. "I'm not going to have that problem, " I said, "As soon as I start trying , I'll be fine. I'll be able to comment as easy as 1-2-3. Just watch. Others might have a problem. Not me, man. Not me." I swear I could hear the IF Monster snicker when I said that, the bastard.

But like getting pregnant, just because I decided it was time to comment and just because I was determined that I wouldn't have a problem commenting, the forces that be had a different idea entirely.

Yes, sadly, I found that I can no longer give a shout out to any of you blogger beta people! And that bums me out.

So, I will be switching to the blogger-formerly-known-as-beta. I'm going to have to bring the IF Monster and that Worry gremlin with me, too, though. But I'll be there soon!

And, yes, I made the IF Monster's leash way too tight. Because I'm mean like that.

ultrasound

I wanted to post sooner, but I have a lot of year-end CRAP to deal with at work. Ack.

We had our first ultrasound!!! One gestational sac and a beating heart. I know it's still early and I haven't won the war, but at least seeing the heartbeat is one battle won! I was feeling strong enough that I was actually able to beat my IF Monster at arm wrestling!

Still wearing worry as a backpack though.

And Smarshy's, Gil's, and Angie's IF Monsters are assholes. I'm so sorry. If I could really send your IF Monsters into oblivion via a VERY explosive canon, I would without a moment's hesitation. But I guess all I can do is give you hugs through the computer.

I really hate all our monsters.

sleepless nights

During the day, I know I can take on Smarshy's monsters.

In the dead of night, though...different story...

Thanks everyone for your kind words after my last post! Still haven't had my U/S so I don't know what to make of my [lack of] symptoms. But like I said, sometimes, I feel like I can take on ALL the monsters. On those days, I feel like screaming, "I DESERVE to be pregnant. DON'T get in my way, IF Monster, because I am hormonal and would like nothing better than to squeeze your furry little face like a zit."

Other times, I try to make like nothing has changed so as not to tip off the IF Monster that he may have failed his only mission in life. On those days, I tiptoe around -- quiet as a church mouse -- getting him cold beer, making sure his dinner is ready on time, trying not to make any waves. Geesh, I sound like an abused IF-er

I wonder if there is a battered-IFer defense. Because I can totally make it look like self-defense, man.

another jackass in the mix

So I've been wearing Worry like a backpack lately.

Since my BFP, I've had sore boobs. Yesterday and today -- nuthin'. Not even a little sore.

My ultrasound is next week.

Please please please please please let everything be okay.

the IF monster got me out of jury duty

A couple of weeks ago I was called for jury duty. The judge said that the trial would likely last 3 weeks and would be submitted to the jury around the 15th of December. Then he asked if anyone had any hardships. Since jury duty happened before this, I just assumed that I would again be dealing with this during the scheduled trial.

"Your Honor, would you consider it a hardship if I have to get my blood drawn everyday and an ultrasound on some of those days between 8:00 and 9:00 a.m. for about a week in a town about 20 miles away so that my doctors can monitor my hormone levels and monitor the effects the hormones are having on my organs and then have the doctors call me in the afternoon to let me know the dosage of my medication for that evening?"

"Yes, Ms. Pregnancy Envy, I would consider that a hardship. You are excused from jury duty. Thank you for your time. And that blue thing you have harnessed is shedding in my court room."

(And I didn't even have to mention going in for the IUI!)

I'm not saying that this is a good reason to have an IF Monster, but if you do have an IF monster, at least you know you can use your treatments to get out of jury duty.

True story.

Except for the part where the judge said the IF Monster was shedding. Every since we switched to that new conditioner, he barely sheds at all.

the ponytail is back

I have my ultrasound in about a week and a half. They'll be able to tell me if there is a yolk sac, whether there is more than 1 gestational sac, and if it implanted in the right place. So many things to worry about.

So I distracted myself with a hair cut yesterday. And my hair looked FAB-U-LOUS, if I do say so myself. Such volume! So shiny! And my long layers were perfect! That lasted for about 10 minutes. And then it looked like it did before I got my hair cut. Sigh.