Here Fertility Monster - how about something warm for your tummy?

Yum yum!

Still Envious. The Sequel.

We're not taking it anymore!

Wow. I didn't mean for almost a whole month to pass before posting. I'm trying to stay good on my New Year's Resolution, but quite honestly I didn't know how to start a post after reading about the pain and heartbreak out there in the blogosphere.

It just seemed wrong to throw in one of my drawings that tries to make light of the whole infertility thing, ya know? Not when there is so so so much suffering.

But it can be so cathartic to draw our Infertility Monsters meeting their demise. It definitely has helped me cope with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with Infertility. Somehow it made me feel better to tie up my IF monster. And to keep him locked up. Other times it just felt good to scream at him. And who wouldn't want to give their IF Monster a wedgie if given the opportunity? What can I say...I'm a juvenile.

My heart mourns for you and I'm always here to send you hugs through the computer. But if you ever need someone to show your Infertility Monster the business end of a shovel, well, you know where to find me.

A very bad day

Angie asked for prayers for her sister-in-law.

My heart is breaking.

Life is so unfair.

We're...

holding our breath over here, too.

Congratulations!

Looks like some of you have bagged yourselves some BFPs!!! Congratulations, Christina (who was just about to start the process for donor IVF but instead got pregnant- in her words- "FOR FREE. UNPLANNED.IN MY FREAKIN' BEDROOM." Wow. Just...Wow.), Cibele, Jen, and Ms. C!!! I am so happy and excited for you.

(So, that is a picture of positive HPTs caught in a net. Is that crass? No, seriously, you have to tell me if I'm being too crass. Infertility was already making me lose my filter. And then with pregnancy, whatever little bit of a filter I had left completely disappeared. I caught myself talking about pumping and breast milk the other day. At work. With my coworker. Who is male. And unmarried. During a meeting.)

Okay, after this I'll get back to beating up the IF Monster so that there will be more BFPs out there!

Just thought I'd explain...

I don't normally go around licking my electronics. I just had my tongue sticking out and bent over to pick up something and...well...

Anyway...I know I owe you a post of where I've been all this time -- and I will soon-- but I just wanted to say Congratulations to Sara and Angie. Seriously, ladies, we're talking goosebumps when I read the great news on your blogs. Congratulations!!!

And now you'll be able to use your fertility monster the same way I've been using mine :

New Years Resolution: Be a Blogger that actually blogs!

I accidentally licked my laptop today. It tasted dusty.



A new year...a new resolution to start blogging again! Here goes!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Don't write me off just yet...!

I'm here! I'm here! Work is STILL being a pain...but not for long because my work load is FINALLY starting to ease up. I've been keeping up with your blogs, even though I haven't had the chance to comment as much. I miss you guys and will be back blogging soon...I promise!

Time to break some ankles...

For crying out loud, work has been absolutely unbearable! My coworkers and I can't even figure out why...it seems like we had the same work load last year around this time, but this year it seems like we're just being pummeled mercilessly by the amount of work piling up on our desks. We've worked 10 hours days and had to bring work home and it still feels like we're barely making a dent. We're trying to hire on, but even that has proven to be more work than we thought it would be.

So the above picture is of me trying to hold onto the weekend. Work is a lot stronger and the weekends seem so hard to hold onto. I swear, I think the weekend puts baby oil on its ankles to make it harder to get a good grip.

...which reminds me of some other battles...

Like our battles with the IF Monster:

Oh yeah, and can't forget this one:

I think I'm going to have to break Weekend's, Healthy-And-Worry-Free-Pregnancy's, and BFP's ankles so that they're much less mobile.

Oh and hey has anyone noticed that I lightened my hair? I went for highlights this time. It's okay. Nothing spectacular. I kind of wish I never bothered.

Man, this has got to be the lamest post ever written in the entire history of blogs. Sorry.

Happy Valentine's Day (wow - almost didn't post this one in time!)

See how festive I am? Not everyone would bother dragging out a heart-shaped pool just because it's Valentine's Day. Nothing is too good for my monsters. They so like to swim.

I'll update more later, but everything's going good -- just busy with work. I've tried commenting on your blogs, but for some reason it's taking forever to load my posts...anyone else having that problem? I couldn't even comment on my own blog to "chat" with you!

Anyway, thanks for coming by and commenting!

Smarshy, I've got a little bit of a bump - not enough to restrict my monster shit-kicking activities though. But at least I know I can just call on decemberbaby to help me out in that department =)

decemberbaby and spark, you had me at "pjs".

Thoughts of a Mom, I HATE that stupid BFN monster! I'm sorry he exists.

Oneliner, I just read your last blog post. Well said. I love your writing.

Reproductive Jeans and Anna: hi! I've got some catching up to do...I'll be reading your archives.

Mo's Girl, I found this list of acronym's on Angie's blog. Hope it helps!

wha???

I was looking through my closet, trying to find something to wear, when I thought, "Gee, I don't remember owning (and dressing) a small dog." I guess it's time to buy some clothes in a bigger size...

i don't know why i didn't see this one sooner!

I just realized that where ever there is an IF Monster, this a-hole isn't too far behind.

And don't worry, I'm not stopping just because he's screaming "uncle"...some of us have been screaming "uncle" for years and he didn't seem to care.

(I'm so sorry that anyone had to deal with this schmuck this cycle.)

hi!

My apologies for not blogging sooner! I'm still here! Work has just gotten incredibly and insanely busy. I know I really shouldn't neglect you -- my friends in my computer -- because, well, the gas monster is still hanging around and no one else wants to be my friend right now.

Smarshy and The One Liner, you are such dolls. Thanks for mentioning me in your blogs!

(And, Smarshy, I have no idea why you were switched to "anonymous" in my comments! It happened after I switched to the new blogger, but I KNOW the IF Monster had something to do with it. He's also the bastard that goes into my fridge and makes it so that my French's mustard has the watery non-mustard stuff that comes out before the actual mustard comes out so that I end up ruining my sandwich. I hate that.)

things we learned at our ultrasound...

1. The most important thing we learned was that we have a little bean with a wonderful beating heart, developing right on track, and measuring to the exact day. Whew.
2. The size of the yolk sac can actually indicate a higher chance of miscarriage. I didn't know that! The doctor said that a yolk sac that is on the big side could indicate a poor prognosis. Happily, the size of our yolk sac is fine. Another whew.
3. I don't feel any nausea. And, apparently, that's okay. Whew whew whew.
4. Taking tylenol is okay, but not ibuprofen. And sudafed is not allowed either.
5. I thought hormones were the reason for my headaches during week 7 and 8, but the doctor said it could also be due to my blood volume being increased by 50%!
6. I need to take it easy because my right ovary is still enlarged. Sometimes, when walking, I'll suddenly feel a twinge or feel like I've pulled a muscle in my abdomen. I was worried about it (of course), but the doctor said to just take it easy.
7. I thought I was showing already, but the doctor pointed out where my uterus actually is (right now it's still below my belly button). Well, I have been "showing" all over my abdomen -- not just the area under my belly button. I assumed I was "showing" the effects of egg + sperm. But it turns out I'm actually showing the effects of eggs + flour + butter. Sigh.

In "that's just gross, Gaelen, we need to start setting boundaries" news, another one of Smarshy's monsters showed up.

Guess which one.

Sorry.

worry is kicking my ass

Seriously, it feels like Worry is using me as a trampoline.

Next ultrasound is next week. I hope that little heart is still beating strong. I don't know if it's infertility's effects (damn IF Monster), but I woke up this morning feeling sad and afraid. I'm just so scared right now...scared that I won't be allowed to have this after all.

How unfair infertility is...when fertile women are enjoying this time, infertile women are still afraid to believe.

Happy Holidays from "All" of Us Here at Pregnancy Envy!

hold on, my dears! i'll be there soon!

So I kept reading on other blogs how bloggers couldn't leave comments unless they switched to blogger beta. "I'm not going to have that problem, " I said, "As soon as I start trying , I'll be fine. I'll be able to comment as easy as 1-2-3. Just watch. Others might have a problem. Not me, man. Not me." I swear I could hear the IF Monster snicker when I said that, the bastard.

But like getting pregnant, just because I decided it was time to comment and just because I was determined that I wouldn't have a problem commenting, the forces that be had a different idea entirely.

Yes, sadly, I found that I can no longer give a shout out to any of you blogger beta people! And that bums me out.

So, I will be switching to the blogger-formerly-known-as-beta. I'm going to have to bring the IF Monster and that Worry gremlin with me, too, though. But I'll be there soon!

And, yes, I made the IF Monster's leash way too tight. Because I'm mean like that.

ultrasound

I wanted to post sooner, but I have a lot of year-end CRAP to deal with at work. Ack.

We had our first ultrasound!!! One gestational sac and a beating heart. I know it's still early and I haven't won the war, but at least seeing the heartbeat is one battle won! I was feeling strong enough that I was actually able to beat my IF Monster at arm wrestling!

Still wearing worry as a backpack though.

And Smarshy's, Gil's, and Angie's IF Monsters are assholes. I'm so sorry. If I could really send your IF Monsters into oblivion via a VERY explosive canon, I would without a moment's hesitation. But I guess all I can do is give you hugs through the computer.

I really hate all our monsters.

sleepless nights

During the day, I know I can take on Smarshy's monsters.

In the dead of night, though...different story...

Thanks everyone for your kind words after my last post! Still haven't had my U/S so I don't know what to make of my [lack of] symptoms. But like I said, sometimes, I feel like I can take on ALL the monsters. On those days, I feel like screaming, "I DESERVE to be pregnant. DON'T get in my way, IF Monster, because I am hormonal and would like nothing better than to squeeze your furry little face like a zit."

Other times, I try to make like nothing has changed so as not to tip off the IF Monster that he may have failed his only mission in life. On those days, I tiptoe around -- quiet as a church mouse -- getting him cold beer, making sure his dinner is ready on time, trying not to make any waves. Geesh, I sound like an abused IF-er

I wonder if there is a battered-IFer defense. Because I can totally make it look like self-defense, man.

another jackass in the mix

So I've been wearing Worry like a backpack lately.

Since my BFP, I've had sore boobs. Yesterday and today -- nuthin'. Not even a little sore.

My ultrasound is next week.

Please please please please please let everything be okay.

the IF monster got me out of jury duty

A couple of weeks ago I was called for jury duty. The judge said that the trial would likely last 3 weeks and would be submitted to the jury around the 15th of December. Then he asked if anyone had any hardships. Since jury duty happened before this, I just assumed that I would again be dealing with this during the scheduled trial.

"Your Honor, would you consider it a hardship if I have to get my blood drawn everyday and an ultrasound on some of those days between 8:00 and 9:00 a.m. for about a week in a town about 20 miles away so that my doctors can monitor my hormone levels and monitor the effects the hormones are having on my organs and then have the doctors call me in the afternoon to let me know the dosage of my medication for that evening?"

"Yes, Ms. Pregnancy Envy, I would consider that a hardship. You are excused from jury duty. Thank you for your time. And that blue thing you have harnessed is shedding in my court room."

(And I didn't even have to mention going in for the IUI!)

I'm not saying that this is a good reason to have an IF Monster, but if you do have an IF monster, at least you know you can use your treatments to get out of jury duty.

True story.

Except for the part where the judge said the IF Monster was shedding. Every since we switched to that new conditioner, he barely sheds at all.

the ponytail is back

I have my ultrasound in about a week and a half. They'll be able to tell me if there is a yolk sac, whether there is more than 1 gestational sac, and if it implanted in the right place. So many things to worry about.

So I distracted myself with a hair cut yesterday. And my hair looked FAB-U-LOUS, if I do say so myself. Such volume! So shiny! And my long layers were perfect! That lasted for about 10 minutes. And then it looked like it did before I got my hair cut. Sigh.

still haven't exhaled

First beta: 900
Second beta: 2400!

But I'm still really afraid to believe this could actually be happening.

Until then, I'll just make sure the IF Monster's locked up good and tight. At least doing that helps me fight these feelings of helplessness. After years of being at the mercy of my wonky body, I don't think I'll ever feel in control of any of this. It's like I'm afraid of what will happen if the universe catches me imagining the possibility. When I find myself smiling about it, I scold myself for being so arrogant. Damn infertility.

gasp

Oh my! Positive!

So now I wait two days for another blood test...Hope my hcg level has doubled by then...Sorry for the short post...We're still in shock... Can't exhale just yet...Hope there'll be good news to follow...

Oh my God....At least for today, I've kept the IF Monster at bay (making him watch Flavor of Love is just to torture him).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since I don't have children that I can dress up in embarassing holiday outfits, I decided to dress up the IF Monster.

Happy Thanksgiving from Pregancy Envy! Hope your Infertility Monster disappears with your Thanksgiving turkey!

freak

I had my IUI over the weekend so now I'm in the hopeful phase of my cycle. I'm really happy that this cycle was not cancelled like it was last time.

At my IUI, the doctor told me that sperm count lower than 2 million wasn't very good. He said that they always hope for a sperm count over 10 million because that is high enough to work with.

2 million already sounded high enough to me. 10 million...well, that just sounds like you're being a show off.

My husband's count for my IUI? 40 million. Yes, you read that right. 40 million. 40,000,000. That's freaking ridiculous. Emphasis on "freak."

After my IUI, my husband asked me what the sperm count was and I just mumbled: "high enough." I was trying to avoid that big-head-syndrome. Our ceilings just aren't high enough.

(Okay, okay, I did tell him the count. And, yes, our ceilings are not high enough.)

bon a petit

Tonight I tried to make Hungarian goulash. It. Was. Awful.

No, really, it was pretty bad.

I am a crappy cook.

We made the IF monster eat it. And we didn't let him have any of the dinner that we had delivered.

We feel no remorse.

my aplogies

There are so many well written and poignant blogs about the suffering we are all going through. I read them, I am touched and comforted, and I comment so that everyone knows that I am thinking of them.

And then they come here and see me giving a wedgie to my IF monster.

For that I am sorry.

dealing with insurance crap

I just got back from picking up my prescription for this cycle's follistim, but something got totally screwed up because the pharmacy said that my prescription wasn't covered. After my pharmacist and I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my prescription drug coverage company, I shelled out the $900 for that tiny vial with the hopes that I can get this sorted out on Monday with my benefits department and get reimbursed. Not a good way to spend a Saturday morning!

I'm really lucky that my insurance covers my prescription so I hope things haven't changed in my coverage. My heart goes out to anyone who has to pay for all this stuff out-of-pocket!

But, boy, did I give my IF monster a serious what-for on our ride home from the pharmacy!!! I did not hold back! He needed to feel bad for what he's putting my body, my mind, and my pocketbook through! Stupid IF monster. He felt a little bad, but don't feel sorry for him because even after all that lecturing, he's STILL a pain in the subcutaneous injection spot on my abdomen.

blushing ovaries

The RE told me that my response to the follistim last cycle meant that I have good ovaries and a good egg supply. My ovaries must have a hard time accepting compliments because I could see them blushing on the ultrasound.

But hopefully, this cycle my ovaries won't show off too much so that we don't have to cancel the cycle.